what to say when someone is critically ill

The end of a person's life is an important time for friends and family members to reach out with words of caring, support, and gratitude. Unfortunately, our culture isn't specially comfortable with death and dying. Most of us feel stifled and awkward when we call back about what to say to someone in hospice care who has days or months to live.

Confession time: I'm a longtime Hallmark writer, and I still felt stumped when asked about writing this kind of message. Luckily, I work with thoughtful people who have direct feel as caregivers and family members of someone in hospice, and they were gracious enough to share what they've learned.

The first is Tracy Riley, who is both a Authentication administrative pro and an experienced hospice nurse. If that sounds like 2 careers, well, it is—but Tracy is passionate about both Authentication's mission of helping people connect emotionally and hospice's telephone call to care for individuals and families facing the stop of life. The second is Marn Jensen, a retired Authentication writer and editor who has seen both of her parents through hospice care in recent years. Marn also continues to stay continued to hospice through participants in her 2018 Wishes for the Globe project.

I've organized these writing tips and approaches by theme, but you certainly don't accept to stick to just one theme in what you write or say to someone who is dying. Whether you're writing a annotation, spending time with them, or both, I hope you'll discover ideas for messages that offering comfort, bring a smile and, nearly of all, permit someone know how much their life has meant to yous.

• Acceptance
• Give thanks You
• I Love You lot
• We Volition Be Okay
• Life and Legacy
• Lightheartedness and Sense of humor
• To Family and Caregivers
• What Not to Say

Credence

Co-ordinate to hospice nurse Tracy Riley, by the time a person has entered hospice intendance, they've accepted the fact that they're dying, and it's helpful for them to know that family and friends take accepted this, besides.

"They're tired of pain, tired of suffering, tired of fighting," says Tracy. "You tin can keep praying for a miracle, simply the person who's dying needs you to affirm that it'southward okay to cease fighting and to focus on peace and comfort instead."

Examples

• "I know this wasn't an like shooting fish in a barrel determination to make. Simply want you to know I back up you and I'yard glad you're making the most of this time with the people you love."
• "I don't like this, but we're going to do our best with this time."
• "I'm lamentable, of course, but I'm also glad you're in a place where you don't have to fight so hard anymore."
• "I'm praying for you to experience at peace and to know how much y'all're loved."

Helpful tip: Hospice intendance tends to final from several days to vi months. For someone who spends months in hospice, there will be more opportunities to write and visit, and so consider reaching out multiple times.

Thank Yous

"Thanks" is one central message that writer and editor Marn Jensen tried to express ofttimes to her mother and father during their time in hospice. Gratitude for the person'due south life, their caring, and their influence actually does make for a warm and affirming message. And that's truthful for anyone from an immediate family fellow member to a friend to more than distant connections.

Examples

• "Give thanks you for all the days you lot've made brighter just by existence yous. In that location take been more of them than I tin count."
• "Thinking of the good life you've lived, the peachy times nosotros've shared, and feeling then grateful for y'all."
• "You've been such an of import function of my life, and for that, I'll ever exist grateful."
• "I and then admire the warm, funny, genuine person you are. My life will forever exist better because you've been part of it."
• "I wish we could have more time together, just I want y'all to know I cherish the times we have had and the time nosotros still accept."
• "Thanks for beingness the one and simply you and for being a approval to so many people—especially me."
• "I've been across lucky to know y'all. Cheers."
• "You lot've been the all-time dad. Thank you."

Helpful tip: Embracing a gratitude mindset can assistance you lot shift your message focus from the sadness of dying to the meaning in living.

I Love Y'all

"I love you" is the other fundamental bulletin Marn took care to express frequently to her parents while they were in hospice. It'southward about the warmest thing you tin can say to a family unit member or good friend, and information technology ways even more to someone who is dying. Even if it's non the kind of relationship where you say "dearest" often, this is one time of life when you'll feel good that y'all did. And so will they.

Examples

• "I love you so much, Mom."
• "Hoping you're having a goodbye and sending you my love…"
• "I dearest you. Thank you for loving me, also."
• "It hurts to permit you get, but I wouldn't merchandise one moment of all we've shared. I love you with all my center."

Helpful tip: You could also end any written message with a "honey" closing: "Love," "With dearest," "Lots of love," "Love and prayers," etc.

We Will Be Okay

According to Tracy, information technology'south stressful for someone in hospice to worry near how loved ones will get forth without them.  So even though it probably feels far from okay to lose someone close to you, information technology's of import to communicate that yous will exist okay, and that of import people and pets volition be taken care of, as well.

Examples

• "You've taken such good care of all of us for and then long. We'll miss that, and we'll miss you, only we'll be all right. We'll notice ways to take care of each other."
• "Ane thing I want to make certain you know is that I will honour you in taking intendance of the kids and practice the same things for them that you would have washed."
• "I hope it eases your heed a trivial to know Spot is going to make his new forever home with Kathy and Tom. They're happy to have him, and they hope to love him just like you practice."
• "Of class, I'thou going to miss you like crazy, merely you don't need to worry nigh me. I'll exist okay."
• "Perhaps we're not exactly okay right now, but in time, we will be. Luckily, we've got a lot of caring people around u.s. to help usa through subsequently you've gone."
• "I hope y'all're not worried well-nigh anyone or anything right now. I hope y'all just feel surrounded past love."

Helpful tip: Information technology's fine to honestly acknowledge how awful or unfair it is that this person y'all care about is dying. But don't dwell at that place. Attempt to follow the acknowledgement with comfort: "This is then hard, but it'due south expert to know you're habitation with your family around you…" Or, "I really hate the thought of losing you, but I'thou glad you don't take to proceed struggling so hard anymore…"

Life and Legacy

It'southward likewise helpful for a person who is dying to hear they added something good to the earth, their life mattered, and their influence will alive on—in things they achieved, lessons they taught, traditions you'll go along, and beyond.

Examples

• "I hope you're proud of the amazing family unit you've raised. Thanks for putting some good humans into the world."
• "You're someone who has used your life to touch so many others. I'll always feel incredibly lucky that mine was 1 of them."
• "You've shaped our community in means that will alive on across you, so thank you lot."
• "Okay, so clearly you didn't invent a cure for cancer. But you've still washed and so many good things in life—for your family, for your church, in your career, and for all of us who care about you. I hope you experience great about the departure you've made."
• "Just so you know, we'll be pouring an actress glass for y'all at vino volume social club. You've been the centre and soul of our crew, and nosotros plan to keep it going in your award."
• "I wish my kids were old enough to know yous better, but don't worry. They're going to know all your funny stories and weird traditions. They'll know their Papa Frank is a huge part of what makes our family and so great."
• "A friend like yous doesn't come along very often. You fabricated and then many tough times easier and the best times even meliorate. I concord every memory we've made together shut to my heart."

Helpful tip: "The end of life is hard, but information technology can also be beautiful," Marn says. "Then be nowadays even so you can. Exercise your best to make it nearly that person and not almost you or your nervousness most proverb the wrong affair."

Lightheartedness and Humor

Tracy also emphasizes the underestimated importance of sense of humor in communicating with someone in hospice: "A person who'south dying doesn't want everyone to deed sad effectually them all the time. They capeesh information technology when someone is willing to child effectually with them."

So especially when humor has ever been part of your relationship, feel costless to be real and lighten things up a scrap.

Examples

• "Are you sure this isn't just some elaborate bear witness you're putting on earlier y'all go off and disappear to a tropical island?"
• "This whole loungewear look you've got going on probably isn't your best e'er, but don't worry. You lot're notwithstanding pretty cool. And I yet love you."
• "May I merely say that information technology really sucks that you're dying? Hey, this is me hither—not some kind of poet."
• "Wow, apparently some people will do anything to get out of working. JK—I miss you lot, and I've been thinking most you lot a lot."
• "Are y'all withal immune scotch? Because I'm pretty certain this calls for one."

Helpful tip: Tracy as well mentioned that reading cards to the people they're caring for is a mutual affair for a hospice nurse to do. And then keep that in mind as you cull your words and your funny material. You don't want to scandalize the nurse…or the whole family!

To Family and Caregivers

Sometimes the people around the person who'southward dying are struggling fifty-fifty harder. It's good to attain out to them, too, either with words of support or with specific offers of aid.

Examples

• "Thinking of yous as you have care of your mom. What a condolement for her to have you with her. Love to you both."
• "This must be such a challenging time for you and your family. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers."
• "It'due south okay not to exist okay right now. Remember that, and know that it'southward fine to let some balls drib. You've got a lot of people who will come and aid pick them upwards—me, for ane."
• "I don't really know what would assist most, merely I figured you still need to eat, then here's dinner on me."
• "I know you're non able to exist home a lot correct now, and then I've been keeping the lawn mowed and the leaves picked up. No big. Just glad yous're able to be with your dad."
• "Idea maybe you lot could apply a trivial break from worrying nearly food on pinnacle of everything else, and so we've got a Repast Railroad train set upward and running for yous. Hope information technology helps take a little off your mind."

Helpful tip: "Let me know if in that location'south annihilation I can exercise" comes from a skilful place, just it puts the burden of asking on someone who's struggling and mayhap non thinking all that conspicuously. For that reason, specific gestures or offers of support tend to be more helpful. If you spend a little time with the caregiver, you may pick up on things they need without fifty-fifty having to inquire.

What Not to Say

Basically, there are all kinds of good things you lot tin and should say to someone at the end of their life. But here are a few messages to skip:

• "I'thousand still hoping/praying for a miracle." Of course, y'all can go along praying on your ain. But when you're communicating with someone in hospice, exist accepting of the fact that they've moved by this point.
• "Keep fighting." Exist respectful of their decision to end fighting.
• "Everything happens for a reason." This unintentionally implies that the person must take washed something wrong to deserve to die.
• "This is God'south plan/will." Even people of religion are sometimes aroused at the end of life, and likely to struggle with this thought. Telling them that you're praying for peace and comfort would exist a ameliorate style to get.
• "You lot look dandy!" Unless they do, but they probably don't, and they probably know it. Just be real with them.

Helpful Tip: "Lesser line," says Tracy Riley, "be honest, exist authentic, and don't sugarcoat things." In other words, be your caring self, and you'll do fine.

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Source: https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/hospice-messages-what-to-write-to-someone-who-is-dying/

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